I’ve always believed in God. I was raised a Catholic and growing up I followed my faith without question or reservation. It was pretty simple….God is up there and I am down here. God is Perfect and I am flawed.
My teenage years were typical for the most part. Happy and well-adjusted on the outside, full of fear and disappointment on the inside. It was around the time of my 19th birthday I began to question God’s role in my life. I know God exists, but I just can’t seem to live up to his expectations. I know he loves me no matter what, but I feel like I’m always letting him down. I know I’m going to heaven someday, but right now I just want to have fun. And so began the life of a woman “hell bent” to make it on her own.
Moving away from home to attend university was an amazing experience for me. Living on my own only one hour away from my parents gave me the autonomy every young woman craves with the security of knowing Mom and Dad are not too far if I needed them. I spent the school months developing new relationships and supposedly getting an education. I spent the summers back home with my family and high school friends. Looking back on those years I was happy for the most part, and each year that past I felt more and more confident I was capable of so much.
It was near the end of my final year that life took very different turn. My parents and sister had permanently immigrated to the US, but I had to stay in Canada. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with my life…and then I met my first love. He told me everything I wanted to hear. I followed him across the country, I lived with him for 5 years, I said “yes” when he asked me to marry him and I lost most of myself in the process.
With every lie, every disappointment, every tear I cried for him I put another brick on the wall around my heart. I am on my own in this life so I better get used to it. I am the only one who is ever going to take care of me.
After my marriage fell apart I moved to Toronto to start a new life. I found my own apartment, I found a new job and I found a new relationship. I started making really good money for the first time in my life. I was a young urban woman living it up in the city. I fell for someone new and he was the kindest man I’d ever known. Life was good….on the outside, but on the inside I was screaming for reason. Is this as good as it gets?!?!? Even when I wore expensive clothes and looked my best, deep in my heart I was still looking for something else. I cared for my new boyfriend so much, but yet I yearned for something deeper. Every day I would wake up, lay in bed and think to myself, maybe today I can make myself happy. Everything I bought, every party I went to, every person I tried to impress. It was all to numb the pain, the hurt from my past, my broken dreams. I had all but given up….and then He found me.
Fear not for I am with you. Do not look around you in terror and be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10 NIV
He had always been right there. He was there when I was out partying. He was there when I was making the wrong choices. He was there when I was looking for acceptance from everyone else but Him.
I finally realized that He is the One I had been searching for all along. He is the only One who could satisfy the longing in my heart. My heart is there because He created it and He created me to be loved by Him.
He created your heart too.
God wants to bless your life. He loves you and has great plans for you. If you’re asking yourself if this is as good as it gets, let me tell you the answer is “NO”. If you’ve ever felt the longing for a better relationship, a better job…a better life, I say let Him show you the way.
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